Separation

All the Good Ones

JANET and YOUNG MAN walk on stage. DIGNIFIED MAN AND DIGNIFIED LADY are seated behind a table. There is an empty seat in front of them.

JANET
They’re waiting for you.

YOUNG MAN
Good day sir… Madam.

DIGNIFIED LADY
Take a seat.

YOUNG MAN
Thanks.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Would you like a drink?

YOUNG MAN
Yes please. I’m actually feeling pretty nervous.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Coffee or tea?

YOUNG MAN
A double shot of whisky?

Dignified man frowns and looks annoyed

YOUNG MAN
I was kidding.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Coffee it is then. Milk and sugar okay?

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd) I fucking hate coffee. And... I’m lactose intolerant.. Nothing’s worse than being too hyper to sit down when you have fucking diarrhoea.

Yeah. That will be fine.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Janet, if you please...

JANET
Right away. Will run to get it right now.

YOUNG MAN
(Mutters)You won’t be the only one with the runs.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Pardon?

YOUNG MAN
I said coffee sounds like lots of fun.

DIGNIFIED MAN
So... What are you?

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd) What am I? See! It’s always like this! It’s not what race are you? It’s WHAT are you? Reminds me of when the hero sees the monster for the very first time in a movie. YOU FUCKING FREAK! WHAT ARE YOU?

(sits down)

I’m mixed. Chinese-Indian.

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
Oh! Kopi susu!

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd)Now you know why I fucking hate milk and coffee!

Raises eyebrow.

YOUNG MAN
If you want to put it THAT way. Yes. I suppose I am.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Couldn’t you have dressed for the occasion?

DIGNIFIED LADY
Yes. I agree. It shows a total lack of respect. Are you taking this for granted?

YOUNG MAN
I apologise. I was told about this … meeting… at the very last minute. I didn’t have time to… prepare properly.

DIGNIFIED MAN
That’s not an excuse.

YOUNG MAN
It won’t happen again. I promise.

DIGNIFIED LADY
How old are you?

YOUNG MAN
... I’m thirty. (uncomfortable)

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
Oh... (surprised)

YOUNG MAN
What?

DIGNIFIED LADY
We thought you were a lot younger.

YOUNG MAN
That’s fine. Sometimes I think that too! I’m not old! I’m a recycled teenager!(nervous laugh)
(awkward silence as Dignified Lady and Man stare at him incredulously. Like he told a very bad joke)

Young man clears his throat and looks away.

DIGNIFIED MAN
You’re not very original either are you?

Young man grimaces

DIGNIFIED LADY
How serious are you?

YOUNG MAN
Pardon?

DIGNIFIED LADY
How committed are you?

YOUNG MAN
Well.. ermm.. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. (evasive)

DIGNIFIED MAN
Answer the question.

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd)I’m serious. VERY serious. Let’s put a smile on that face! (joker voice)
I’m serious. 110% committed.

DIGNIFIED MAN
What’s with the freaky smile?

YOUNG MAN
Personal joke I like to overdose on.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Huh?

YOUNG MAN
I’m just enjoying your company sir.

DIGNIFIED LADY
Did you bring your CV?

YOUNG MAN
Yes. Just like you requested.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Your medical records?

YOUNG MAN
Yes.

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
Character testimonies? An up-to-date psychological review?

YOUNG MAN
WHAT? (Shocked)

DIGNIFIED LADY
When you join us...

DIGNIFIED MAN
... all your actions and decisions...

DIGNIFIED LADY
affect us...

DIGNIFIED MAN
Our reputation

DIGNIFIED LADY
Our image.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Everything.

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
We won’t accept just ANYONE!

YOUNG MAN
Okay... Okay... I forgot to bring those! Silly me! (fake chuckle)

DIGNIFIED LADY
this isn’t a laughing matter!

YOUNG MAN
I don’t get it. What’s your problem. Do I look like psychopath to you? I’m the most ordinary person you’ll ever see!

DIGNIFIED MAN
It’s the ordinary ones..

DIGNIFIED LADY
that you have to look out for!

YOUNG MAN
Yes... yes... look can be deceiving. (exasperated) Would you like a psychological and medical report for my entire family tree?

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
What?

YOUNG MAN
Well. I might be sane now! But you never know when those nasty dormant genes will kick in! Normal Jack today. Jack the ripper tomorrow! 2000 years of family history should cover it right? Just to be EXTRA safe!

DIGNIFIED MAN
That’s not funny.

YOUNG MAN
I’m not joking. Don’t I LOOK serious?

DIGNIFIED MAN
You think you’re smart don’t you.

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd) Actually. I KNOW I’m smart. I brought my IQ test results for them. They forgot. Guess that tells you how smart THEY are.

Not at all sir. Please… do continue.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Tell us. What’s so special about you? Why you?

DIGNIFIED LADY
What did you do… or will you do to deserve this?

YOUNG MAN
(to crowd) I wonder myself. Up to now, I’ve been told that I dress like a slob, called old by a two old farts that border on ancient, asked to prove that I am sane… AND I have a bout of diarrhoea to look forward to after this! Fucking coffee. Fucking milk. (looks at DIGNIFIED MAN AND LADY) Fucking head cases!

I promise to do my best, to abide by your rules. To work hard to meet your expectations. I definitely won’t disappoint you if you give me this opportunity.

DIGNIFIED MAN
A very clichéd answer.

DIGNIFIED LADY
But I guess it will suffice for now.

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN
We’ll think about it and let you know.

JANET enters with a cup.

DIGNIFIED MAN
Janet, I’m sure you can handle things from here.

DIGNIFIED LADY & MAN exit stage

JANET
I think they like you.

YOUNG MAN
Really? I couldn’t tell! God save me if they didn’t like me!

JANET
Here’s your coke.

YOUNG MAN
Coke?

JANET
You hate coffee. And milk makes you shit like crazy.

YOUNG MAN
See, you’re so nice! That’s why I like you. (sighs) Can’t I just climb to your window? We could just sneak out together.

JANET
We live on the 20th floor. And you’re scared of heights.

YOUNG MAN
I know! But I rather do that… than go through THAT again!

JANET
You’re being silly. It wasn’t THAT BAD.

YOUNG MAN
Easy for you to say!

JANET giggles

YOUNG MAN
This isn’t… this isn’t going to happen every time I ask you out for a movie is it!

JANET
Who knows? (laughs) Like I said. I think Mommy and Daddy like you. Let’s go see what they decided.

JANET walks off stage.

YOUNG MAN
Like they say. All the good ones are taken… Or have fucking crazy parents.
Lights out

Sorry no cure!

Sound of brakes screeching and loud crash. OLD CHINESE UNCLE and YOUNG GIRL step out of respective cars.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Ma chao hai! Ah Moi! You dunno how to drive ah!

YOUNG GIRL
So sorry! So sorry!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
AIYO! Why you do this to me la Ah Moi!

YOUNG GIRL
Sorry! Sorry!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
NEW CAR U KNOW! BRAND NEW! I JUST TAKE FROM FACTORY!

YOUNG GIRL
Really sorry! Please calm down.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
STUPID la you Ah Moi!

YOUNG GIRL
I already said sorry so many times!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Sorry, sorry.. SORRY!! Sorry no cure la! Thirty years you can bang me. NOW you choose to bang me! Your timing damn geng right!

YOUNG GIRL
I didn’t ‘bang’ you…

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Then what you did? This one not call bang, then call what? Oh! Ma chao hai! You saying that I BANG YOU IS IT Ah Moi?

YOUNG GIRL
Uncle! No one banged anyone okay! I definitely did NOT bang you! DIFFERENT MEANING LA! It’s called an ACCIDENT! Don’t simply bang here, bang there okay!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
YOU the one who simply bang ME okay Ah Moi! NOT I!

YOUNG GIRL
No uncle! Accident! Accident!! I did not BANG YOU!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
So you trying to say I bang you then accident is it Ah moi?

YOUNG GIRL
Oh my God! NEVER MIND! And I’m not an Ah Moi!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Not Ah Moi? Then Minah? No wonder la!

YOUNG GIRL
Huh?? No wonder what?

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
You sure got wear tudung one right! I know why you drive so bad liao.

YOUNG GIRL
What do you mean?

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
You never hear before ah? Got people say hor, wear tudung very hot ma. So the brain burn lor. Maybe that’s why you drive so stupid.

YOUNG GIRL
THAT’S RACIST!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Okay fine. Then is because you use hair spray. Chemical kill kill ozone. Kill your brain cells.

YOUNG GIRL
I don’t use hair spray.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Then you dye hair! Dye a lot! Dye dye dye… then brain also dye!

YOUNG GIRL
Whatever! I’m not Ah Moi or Minah okay! I’m actuall…

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
So… you actually Ah Beng, pretend to be Ah Moi?

YOUNG GIRL
WHAT??

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
AhMad be Ah Meena?

YOUNG GIRL
OF COURSE NOT!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
No need shy shy one. I have many happy fren oso!

YOUNG GIRL
Happy friends?

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Yala. Like you. Like to bang from behind. Make accident.

YOUNG GIRL
Okay. Whatever!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
So how you wan settle this?

YOUNG GIRL
You jammed your brakes suddenly. It’s not completely my fault.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
I jam brake? I tell you. I drive my Volkswagon 30 year! Same car! 30 year you know! Never make accident before. I change car today. You go bang me! Now tell me I brake too fast? Too much la you!

YOUNG GIRL
But you did!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
You woman driver all the same. All cannot drive. Blame people. Eh.. but, you not a woman hor! Sorry sorry. Eh but then hor… you really look like woman leh!

YOUNG GIRL
I AM a woman!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Aiya. If you say so la! I very open one. But then hor, now ah, you all youngster even more bad la. All buy license. Pay 100 buck gao tim. Free license.

YOUNG GIRL
Its 300 bucks now, uncle. And I did NOT bribe for my license.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
You never bribe how you know 300 buck?!

YOUNG GIRL
My friend told me! I took the test 4 times okay! I didn’t bribe at all!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
See la! Take 4 time! CONFIRM DUNNO DRIVE LA!

YOUNG GIRL
No!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
EH! Where your P? Your car no P also.

YOUNG GIRL
I don’t have one. It’s expired.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
SO! NO LICENCE! EXPIRE ALREADY?

YOUNG GIRL
No, uncle! The probationary two years are up! So, I’m a full fledged driver. No P!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Only two years ah? Terrible la! Buy license. Drive two year only no more probation. How can like that! But hor, still drive two year already, should know how step brake right!

YOUNG GIRL
Actually…

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
I know liao! You go study a lot at Australia? Never drive there. Come back finish P already? No P but don’t know how to step break! AIYO! Now you youngster all like that one!

YOUNG GIRL
I studied abroad. But I had a car there too. So I DID drive there.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Okay fine. So u tok sms while drive. That’s why bang me?

YOUNG GIRL
I did NOT!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
You don’t lie la! I know you all youngster. Wan drive. Wan sms. I see before ah, this boy. Drive. One hand smoke. One hand hold beer. One hand tok hand phone. One hand steer car. Where got enough hand? See la! That’s why today paper always complain everybody banging everybody.

YOUNG GIRL
Ugh! I didn’t even have my phone with me uncle! I left it at home.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Then must be you want be Nigel Mansell la! Drive fast fast! That’s why cannot brake in time.

YOUNG GIRL
Who?

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Nigel Mansell la! Always win one! You no see paper meh? The sibeh geng F1 driver.

YOUNG GIRL
Uncle. Now its 2009. Not 1909. We have that black dude. Louis…

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Oh! I know I know!! Louis Armstrong. That one sing song dem nice one? I hear before! Wa liao. Now drive car oso! Don’t play play! Respect!

YOUNG GIRL
Louis Hamilton…

YOUNG GIRL
Har?

YOUNG GIRL
Never mind.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Aiya! See la. You talk cock so much. Make me waste so much time already. You youngsters ah. So no consideration.

YOUNG GIRL
But…YOU are the one…

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
See! See! Wan talk some more. No need talk so much la! You give me your detail. I see you at police station. We settle there.

Young girl sighs. They exchange information.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Okay. I go now!

YOUNG GIRL
Anyway, I’m sorry for the mess.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Sorry no cure! Jus make sure you pay back for fix my car.

OLD CHINESE UNCLE and YOUNG GIRL get into respective cars. Sound of engines starting and revving. Then a loud bang sound.

YOUNG GIRL
Oh my FUCKING GOD!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
SHIT! SHIT!!!

YOUNG GIRL
I can’t FUCKING believe you REVERSED into me!

OLD CHINESE UNCLE
Sorry! I no drive automatic car before! My first time! Aiyo! Why go back ward one? Sorry, sorry!

YOUNG GIRL
MA CHAO HAI!! SORRY NO CURE LA!

Glossary

Geng: Power
Liao: Already
Ma chow hai: Mom’s smelly private parts

The view

She sat down. Her tiny arms hugging her legs. Eyes gazing adoringly at the stars above, her young face was fixed with a look of utter fascination.

She heard footsteps tap behind her.

‘You’ve come to watch the stars too?’ she asked, never taking her eyes off the skies.

‘Come sit by me then. The view is amazing tonight. But then, it always is.’ she added, not waiting for him to reply.

The boy stepped shyly next to her and seated himself. The air was cool on his face and the dew from the short wet grass dampened his skin.

They sat in silence for hours.

‘Have you ever seen anything so pretty?’ she asked suddenly.

Smiling bashfully, the boy nodded and replied with a simple, ‘Yes.’

‘I sit here all the time. Will you come watch the stars with me again tomorrow?’ she asked.

He went the next day. The day after that. And the day after that. Then, the boy became a teenager. Still he went to sit by her. Every night.

‘Isn’t it just perfect? Makes me yearn to reach out and touch. To feel that perfect warmth on my skin,’ she whispered, dazzled by the view.

‘Yes,’ he nodded. The scent of the flowers in the field filled his lungs and droplets of sweat trickled down his neck in the warm night.

Years passed and the teenager became a young man. Faithfully, he never missed a day, going at the same spot. Enjoying the same view.

‘I wonder what it is like to be all the way up there. What it would be like to be so high up. To see everything you want in a glance. Wouldn’t that be amazing?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ he replied softly, looking at her. His eyes were sad and filled with unspoken longing.

Time passed and streaks of gray now lined the man’s hair.

He walked towards her, the dry brown leaves beneath his feet crackling as he stepped on them. He stopped just before he reached her.

‘We’ve been here every night for I don’t know how long. You must really love the stars huh?’

‘Indeed, every night I came here, it was for the view. But it wasn’t the stars I came to see. It was you.’

For the first time, she looked away from the stars. To see his face but it was too late. He had turned away and all she could see was his back.

‘Will you come watch the stars with me again tomorrow?’ she implored.

There was sadness in his voice as he whispered. ‘Thirty years, I’ve come here. And I realized something. You and I, we are the same.’

‘The same?’

‘Yes. We both long for something we will never be able to touch, feel or possess. For you it is the stars. And for me, the woman I’ve loved. There are other views in life that I need to see. Good bye.’

‘Will you come tomorrow?’ she shouted after him.

‘No.’

When winter came it was cold and lonely for her.

And the view was never the same again.

Welcome to the world of theatre

I'll always recall this phrase from Brana, when I was complaining about how exhausted and tired I was from rehearsals, performances & work.

'Welcome to the world of theatre Vince.'

I've written a number of plays. I enjoy writing plays. They are an expression of my thoughts and at many times, my mental state of mind. But I've never acted before.

Well, to say that I've never acted before would be a truth of sorts. Not exactly true though.

I did have a one liner in a friends father's play when I was 10. I was comparing politicians to con artists selling miracle medicines.

I did 'act' in a few of my own videos for college because I had 'no choice'.

I use ' ' because it wasn't really acting. It was just plain reading from the script and a little bit of movement here and there. I can tell you this for free. I did NOT enjoy it. Having all your friends and relatives tell you that a wooden plank has more acting ability than you as well as suggesting you messed up your own script by horrible acting isn't all together ego boosting.

Oh! A LARGE number of people also did express ... shock (?) That I decided to play the role myself.

I quote: 'OMG VINCE! I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GET INTO THE FINALS! WHY ARE YOU KILLING THAT CHANCE OFF EVEN BEFORE YOU START?'

So needless to say, I swore that I'd never act again! To spare myself, if not other people, the agony of watching it.

That oath would be broken 6 audition with 6 different actors later. From people pulling out, to people being unsuitable or having commitment and attitude issues, we could not find an actor for my play.

Basically, I was put in the position where I HAD to act. Or my play wouldn't be performed.

So I thought, fine. I will give it a go. If I mess things up, I will only have myself to blame. What I can't achieve with natural talent, I hope to get with lots and lots of practice.

All credit to Ivan. He thought me stuff I'm sure everyone knows (well every actor / actress). From the basics of voice projection, facing the lighting correctly and even moving on stage properly, that bugger drilled me good and taught me everything.

I remember I started dreading rehearsals. Cause they were so tiring and so... well, embarassing!

I think we practice around 40 hours in 3 weeks. No mean feat considering 25 of those hours were in 2 weeks. And the last week both me and Andre were sick. The result? I became a fantabulous, awesomeness actor!

Well, not really. Actually far far from it!

Haha. But at least I managed not to embarass myself TOO BADLY. I still embarassed myself la! But not as bad as I thought I would ;)

The biggest suprise for me was that when I performed, I actually enjoyed myself. Ok. That was an understatement, I got a lil high from it! Awesome right! I didn't have to drink or smoke u... ermm... nvm...

I got an extra thrill from the fact that it was my script. My bad jokes. And I was telling it how I had envisioned it. And how Ivan had injected his vision into it else well.

Sure, not everyone loved the play / script. But that was how I wrote it. I wanted people to hate it or love it. In that sense, I'm VERY sure I achieved my objective. I got a reaction. Be it 'Omfg... the writer's freaking sick!' or 'LMAO... thats funny sh*t', as long as I managed to provoke a reaction, I was happy.

I enjoyed this year's S&S much more than I did last years. Probably because I took a much more active part than jus getting my script approved. I'd like to say thank you to Andre for being fun and pulverizing me with academy award trivia to unnerve me. Maybe the right word should be unnervous me? Meh. You get the idea.

I'd also like to thank Ivan for helping me learn everything I needed to for the audience to laugh at my jokes rather than my bad acting alone.

Thank you S&S for an experience I've thoroughly enjoyed.

But my biggest thanks is to my friends, Gen Wong, Chooi Ling, my brother and mother as well as a few others who came to catch me make a fool of myself (blame the mind, not the heart).

And a special special thank you to my girl friend and love, Alicia, for calming me down before each performance, and telling me (she was lying!) that I would do great. for listening to me rant about silly things like exhaustion and a sore throat from projecting incorrectly (and aching abs when I did project properly! SEE! CANNOT WIN ONE LA!)

I wish you were here to have caught me in action. Err.. so to speak...


Thats all for my rambling :)

thanks for pretending to read it :)

Vincent Edwin
Scriptwriter of Reverse Pyschology
(if you didn't like it and want to shoot / kill me for bad writing... my name is actually Ah Em So Soli)
Actor wannabe of Reverse Pyschology (first and LAST time!)